We all react to rainy days differently. Some stands tall, others run, others hide. The point that matters is that you got through it, not how
So I write…
I was packing up this evening, ready to get off work. As I ordered my ride home, there popped up a group Facebook messenger saying that our friend has passed away. My first thought was, “is it real, is it some kind of prank, what is this sudden news?” But it is the truth, yes my friend has just passed away and it was just surreal. Things quickly escalated and it hit home hard, it feels so personal that you may wonder why.
Was she a good friend? Yes
Was she an intimate / close friend? No I have more intimate / closer friends.
Is it a loss? Yes, she is young and I really hope she got a chance to use her potential and live life.
It did not help when I looked back to our photos together and I relieved our happy moments, I felt more sorrow towards her. I was also reminded of the about-to-come-true idea few weeks ago to revisit her country which has been in my holiday bucket list for a while. I tried to express it through a little bit of writing but the feeling continues dreading me. It gets to the point where I realised just how terrible I am at handling loss. If I were to choose to losing me or others, I honestly will choose losing myself because I lived every single day fully alert and aware. I always tried to minimise any regret that has anything to do with my own everyday life, so I may have more regrets towards others than towards myself. Such a dreadful thought you said? No, not so dreadful when it rings true.
If I were to fall into big depressing phase, it is all not for this. Unfortunate things has been piling up these days, being fully indulged in this grief topic will only enlighten me some more. It taught me that grief is a double edged sword, and how life is just so fluid no one will ever know what is there around the corner and there is an ironic beauty there.
Being a Christian
I am not a very devoted Christian, but when people passed away and there are already two people I know passed away this month, I truly believe they are leaving for good. They are free from physical pain / worldly agony and moving on to better things. I also believe that people who passed away will eventually be happy together with God. However, what a beautiful contradiction there is, when I can feel the sorrow, the loss itself that really affects me physically be it shedding tears or the painful stab at my heart. In addition, it is also beautiful how grief can hit me fast that make me break in tears at once or very slow hitting you just when the Father let every family member to say some words by the corpse before the casket is closed during the mourning mass.
I am who I am
This momentum also taught me that it is also ironic being me. It reminded me of all my loved ones, and whether or not I have treated them wrong, I could have just drown in regrets if they suddenly passed away. It also relates to the previous paragraph that I believe people are better off going away with God. What if God Himself decides that He needs them more soon, sooner than I think I need them around me. That thought itself terrifies me, I was struggling to understand such irony. Especially since I always keep my circle close, they are those people who are also my family no matter if we are blood related or not, or even if we could call our relationship a certain title or not. Once they are in, they are there for long, they are part of the family. Also, the fact that I will gain some more members of the family soon is just throwing me into deep deep reflection. Have you ever felt something so exciting but so so terrifying at the same time? That is exactly how I feel, very excited, but also terrified that I am about to add few more people to worry about, few more people I need to cope about when I lost them someday. Deadly serious stuff. I am overwhelmed, it looks like something I need therapy for the rest of my life.
Again, I’ve heard a devoted Christian advised me not to worry much and how God knows what is best for you. He got you a guardian angel to keep you safe. If you ask me whether I believe him or not? I admitted yes I believe in what he said about God. But let’s all be honest, we are all human and it is as humane as possible to feel fear and worry. There is no way around it, I embrace the contradiction, the irony, but come to terms with them. I now say, grief is a double edged sword.
In memory of Stella / Li Chen Chang,
Rest in peace. I believe you are in a good place now. Thank you for sharing our happy moments together, and for inspiring me right to the very end. You are missed, and I promise to visit you soon.